Deepest thoughts & questions of my current life.

Its moments like this where my mind tends to wonder. I never know where my mind will take me, when moments like this occure. Maybe its because i feel a heighten'd sense of awarenss... either way... Tonight my mind is stuck in a universe that I can't fully describe. The reasons for everything in life that occure.. just day-to-day things. some being fate.. and some being the opposite...Its been a long time since I wrote a blog like this, and Im honestly nervous about what I'll type next.

All I can say is.. there is the purpose.. I feel... in which I am ment for, or was born to fullfill.. and I firmly believe in ALL things happening for a reason.. and the one thing I can't seem to grasp.. is the reason for the most recent events in my life... which I am too embarrassed or ashamed to even publicly share on this blog. But expressing how i feel on blog..makes me feel a sense of comfort... or ease.. because no one really knows what Im talking about, but me... yet to still get a glimps of whats on my mind, YET you CAN NOT judge me because you don't know all the facts

... You see.. I have this problem.. Im too nice.. its in my nature to be nice, even when someone doesn't deserve it.. its like something that can not be tamed.. I've tried to meditate on it, pray on it, and be as short as I can be on the issue.. but something in the core of me won't let me be pure mean to to others & am convinced that its my soul.. my spirit that only allows me to be nice. It irritates me because I feel like Im at constant war with myself. As though my mind & my heart are at war. Fighting to get power over my actions.. it kills me. I just don't want to make any mistakes.. fall into any traps.. or go on a never ending cycle of pain. How is this possible though? If life is full of lessons.. then why do i keep going through the same chapter in the assignments, getting the same results.. even though I feel like I've studied enough to understand... and know what situations to avoid.. yet with this situation.. I can't seem to grasp it. Is there something wrong with me? I am even human..? because I feel like everyone has a breaking point.. but for some reason, i feel like i dont have one.. or maybe I havent reached it yet? when should one have a breaking point?? do people really change? is a 2nd chances ever enough? how many times must one repeat the same mistakes before learning the actual lesson or getting it right????