constantly wondering

I guess this will be my 1st blog of 2011.
I honestly don't even know where to start. Im trying so hard to make sense of what Im going to say, and how Im going to word it. You ever want to spill your heart out to someone, but feel like no matter how much you spill, they'll never understand you? Well thats where Im at right now. At a point in my life, I was so certain, so sure, about a situation, and about this person.. and now I feel like Im learning how to crawl all over again. I guess its true what they say about women.. we do mature faster than men.

The more I think about this, the more I think about my life. where will I be.. what will I be doing... who will I be with in terms of friends, family being close by or far away, if I'll be single or engaged or married within the next 6 years. its hard to picture these things when you base your POSSIBLE answeres off of another persons answers.

TRUE Compatability is so hard to find....

Ive never been the type of person to rush things...I never wanted to be rushed... I've always found comfort in going at my own pace and not worrying if I fall behind of beat everyone else. but as I get older... I now feel like my pace is too fast for someone else, and that bothers me...because I don't want to speed up their process and I dont want to slow mine down.

Im still young, I still enjoy having my own fun, but being a woman, I can't ignore the fantasies of marriage, having a family... especially when us women have been trained to believe that those are the true joys in life. having a family of your own. And it also doesn't help when you have influences.. like your parents and grand parents, uncles and aunts.. setting the perfect example of what you COULD have...and also having the reminder thrown in our faces that our biological clocks are ticking..

well my situation is funny. I was engaged. to a really good man. He was spiritual, dedicated, devoted, selfless, loving, honest and willing to provide for what most women want. security, loyalty and a relationship built on good communication. With all those good qualities, I was still miserable. I was unable to be myself, and I felt like our relationship was a staged play, and my role was to be what his friends, family and even him---wanted me to be. I wasn't able to do the things, say the things, wear the things that were a part of who I am. I wasn't able to show my full personality. I felt like I was on pins and needles...
I finally found the courage within myself to step out of that situation... because I knew I was unhappy, and I knew I had found something/someone better.

Making the trasnition wasn't easy either, I was afraid of how I would be view'd by my friends, family, co workers and church people too. But I knew
I had to do it for my own sanity. My heart, mind and spirit were not at peace until I broke it off.

Soon after I got with my current boyfriend. He was a friend at 1st, and without warning or hint, it developed into something neither of us could have imagined... I have NEVER fallen in love so soon with anyone. I knew he was meant for me. Everything about him to me seemed so perfect. He's just how I dreamt my dream-man would be, and more. He made me feel so comfortable, at ease. He was easy to talk to, listen to, and just be around. I never felt annoyed or bothered by his presense.

We had been seeing each other for a total of 4 months until he broke up with me. It was the hardest break up of my life (so far)... and it hurt because I was so certain of him. then 2 months after he broke up with me, he came back asking for forgiveness, expressing his true reasons for breaking up with me. the truth was hard to handle, but I couldn't let it over power the love I had (have) for him. We're still working through it, Im trying to trust him again. Its not easy either...
nothing in life is. But I just remember a time when it was so easy for me to trust him, so easy for me to be myself around him. But now Im afraid to be myself.
Im afraid my love for him, which is so beyond strong, will only push him away, and make him more afraid of committment and make him feel overwhelmed.

Today he saw me glancing over at a wedding magazine...and in a joking voice he told me not to get any ideas. I asked him was he still afraid of marriage, and he replied yes. As I began to ask him a few more questions on the subject, I noticed how uncomfortable he was getting. So I stopped. It scares me to the core of my heart to know that I can see myself marrying him, but he is afraid of the idea of marriage itself. Where does that leave me? Should I turn those thoughts off? Should I treat my relationship as a temporary thing? or do I still think on his behalf when thinking about my future. I know we're young... but we're not SUPER young. Im 24... he's 23.. in grad school.. in just a few more years we will be REAL adults. Is it strange that I think this way? Im just afraid of putting all my eggs in one basket... and then getting let down.

I've already been let down...I dont think I could handle that again. Yet at the same time, the situation has made me stronger.. but I just want for once in my life... for a relationship to have meaning... and be solid.. and not have to worry or wonder. But here I am again... wondering... constantly...

and it doesnt help that I sense things... I can really feel when something is wrong with him, or if he's not telling me something... and I want to come right out and say something about it, but then I cant, because I'll feel like Im being pushy or overbaring.. and I dont want to do that. I feel like sometimes.. I love him too much, and that scares me...because it can either draw someone closer to you, or make them pull away from you....

i cant handle this

I need you to know, that my love for you is intense...and it hurts that you can't pick up on the hints, even though Im obvious, and to be honest...i dont know if i can hide this. When you took my heart, you took a part of me, that I know I can't get back, because just being friends with you right now, is really whack. How in the hell do you expect me to pretend like what we had didnt exist? you act as though it faded in the mist... I can't handle this.

How is should be

The person who wipes the tears, should never create them. the person who is trusted, should never lie. but still we try...fighting the endless fight, with only hope and stride our sight. WE refuse to give up, and we wonder how much more we can take...looking for an alternate way, a place to escape. A place where this is only love. No abuse, no pain, no lies.

The Ending

Cant seem to shake the demons even after I've died. I keep my emotions bottled in, yeah they're better left inside. Cause even though I have a spirit thats made of light, I reside in the dark. Buried in sadness, locking away my heart. Im at a point of "fuck love" because the shit never works. Even when you give your all you still end up gettin hurt. Tell me whats the worth and why put in the work, if constantly, said CONSTANTLY you're only getting hurt.



I had my time of laughter, I had my time of tears. I vowed to myself that I won't let it happen again. The shadows seem to follow and regret knocks at my door, reminding me of promises that were made but then ignored. I know that Karma's real and the bitch fucks like a whore. I have to remind myself that love will be no more. Said love is like a virus and it leaves the ugliest sore. If love comes round knockin I just wont answer the door.



I'll tell it go find someone else to screw, because the day i got fucked over I knew that I was through. People tell me time heals all wounds, but the one thing that i can't seem to loose is the memories that ensue. The sleepless nights and the tears I cry...I just cant subdue. People are blind and have not a clue. thinking its easy to move on and i can find someone new. but it doesn't work that way, and it hurts so much.. the nights mix in with days.. Everything becomes a haze. Having a big heart is deadly too, it just breaks in more pieces, feeling out casted... like an endangered species.

Untitled.

Sharp, as a knife..you cut through my sunlight and created the night. The pain spreads like cancer as I pray for an answer. I still cant fathom..its so hard to sleep at night because of my spasmes. Left alone to drown in the tears you've created, I cant even leave the my apartment without looking jaded. Faded..the promises you made. Out dated.. the times that we shared. I often wondered if he even cared. How can someone care in the fashion that you did? Its the truth that you deny and you continue to keep hid.
I try to block out the images in my mind of all the wonderful time that we spent together. And what makes it hard is this is just the beginning of the bad weather. You said you weren't going anywhere.. and yet you did. Lies upon lies...and what did I do to deserve this? I just want an answer. A reason. how can you abandon the one who would always be there? how could you look me in the face and tell me you love me?
I am numb. My heart beats faintly as I lay lifeless, wishing the pain would leave my body. I scream on the inside because my spirit is dying. If you wanted space.. thats all you had to say. If I crowded your space, why couldn't you just say it to my face? If we were moving too fast, why wouldn't you tell me so I could slow down? now all I do is mope around. hoping, praying that this is just a phase. Im torn..days and nights blend and become the deepest haze. Am I wrong for thinking you're my soul mate? Did I scare you away? So many unanswered questions...my mind won't rest. Im constantly thinking of you. wondering what I could have done to make you not want to leave me. This is not fair. I thought I made you happy. Why can't you just tell me the real reason??!! Neglected. Rejected. I knew this would be my demise, something to good to be true...it all was nothing but lies. False promises. False hopes. And the saddest part is I still love you.

oct. 26th

the feeling of having your soul and your heart ripped out at the same time is like dying and then being put straight in to hell, over and over again. I gave my heart to this man, feeling like i could trust him, trust him to not hurt me. trust him to love me and always be honest. but i guess it was karma. you see, I have broken hearts before. and i did it without thinking. i did it, without really considering how deep the wound would be to the victim. i always dreaded this day, the day i would fall so hard, so head over heels in love, and then get my heart broken. I knew it was too good to be true. we were friends 1st. i was engaged at the time, and he had stolen my heart. i left my ex-fiance, not to be with my lost love, but because i was just unhappy and no longer in love with my ex fiance. but i know to most, it looks like i left my ex-fiance to be with my lost love. we had been seeing each other since july, and became offical sept. 2nd. and tonight, Oct. 26th he broke up with me. i can honestly say it was the best relationship of my entire life. he was just perfect for me. we were always chilled, calm, happy. and now its all over. i cant believe it. i was willing to do what ever it took to keep us together. our bond, in my opinion, was so strong.. and it was because we were friends 1st. maybe not for long enough.. but i really just wanted to make him happy. i was so self-giving. i wanted to always be the reason he smiled. i guess i wasnt good enough. i will never understand why he left me. but my heart is broken beyond repair. i dont know if i'll ever love anyone the way i love him. even though he left me, if he came back to me, i would let him back in in a heart beat. i really feel like he completes me... but now that im with out him, i just feel numb. I've cried every tear in my body. i dont know what else to do. I begged him to stay... and he still left. i cant believe how low i feel. i've never felt this way before. i guess its Karma. I have had my heart broken before. but not to this degree.

A beautiful destruction

A beautiful destruction is all that it was. the most painful pleasure to endure...when my demise becomes the cure. something so tainted..something so pure...

You have an open invitation to the constant and ever-changing shades and shells of my soul. With the simple utter of a word, or touch of the finger tips, you alone have control.

Magestic powers and unknown forces of the universe brought us to this place, and of all the chances in this world, we cross paths...and only time can tell if this thing can last.

I try to block words from my mind, its the labels I despise. Titles and names, because in reality, they all seem to have an end.

It is the infinite and inevitable that stand the tests of time, and its strength to endure thee unimaginable, thats what makes it more manageable..

Or can it be manageable? If it was bound to be, there's nothing to be done by you or me. No one has power, no one really has control. We live in a chance filled world where anything is possible..

but the one thing that is impossible, the one thing we can never escape, is the avenues of our mind, the allies of our emotions and the cracks in our egos. WE are constantly at battle with self. Trying to defeat all signs of the human-feelings of saddness, anger, jealousy, even love. Any sign of weakness.

The natural drug, that no one can ever escape...the drug of love; Love for self, family and friends, love for another romantically...its in this you see, that no one is exempt.

Destroy me...you're good for me...you fit me like a glove... you bring me to my grave..yet you rise me up above... I drown in your words, I melt at your touch...its for those moments and emotions, that I love...Love...so much.