Problems

Sucked into a hell that i can only escape through death. yet I refuse to bury myself. I won't take my life, thats the easy way out. Things get more and more interesting. I lost my job on the 25th of this month..and things are becoming more and more stressful. Wondering how Im going to pay my rent and bills. Im grown, so i can't depend on my parents to bail me out of this one. I don't even want my father knowning, because it'll only hurt him, and cause him to worry, and I don't want him to worry about me. Medical stuff with my leg is starting to resurface.. its like I cant get a break....

Deepest thoughts & questions of my current life.

Its moments like this where my mind tends to wonder. I never know where my mind will take me, when moments like this occure. Maybe its because i feel a heighten'd sense of awarenss... either way... Tonight my mind is stuck in a universe that I can't fully describe. The reasons for everything in life that occure.. just day-to-day things. some being fate.. and some being the opposite...Its been a long time since I wrote a blog like this, and Im honestly nervous about what I'll type next.

All I can say is.. there is the purpose.. I feel... in which I am ment for, or was born to fullfill.. and I firmly believe in ALL things happening for a reason.. and the one thing I can't seem to grasp.. is the reason for the most recent events in my life... which I am too embarrassed or ashamed to even publicly share on this blog. But expressing how i feel on blog..makes me feel a sense of comfort... or ease.. because no one really knows what Im talking about, but me... yet to still get a glimps of whats on my mind, YET you CAN NOT judge me because you don't know all the facts

... You see.. I have this problem.. Im too nice.. its in my nature to be nice, even when someone doesn't deserve it.. its like something that can not be tamed.. I've tried to meditate on it, pray on it, and be as short as I can be on the issue.. but something in the core of me won't let me be pure mean to to others & am convinced that its my soul.. my spirit that only allows me to be nice. It irritates me because I feel like Im at constant war with myself. As though my mind & my heart are at war. Fighting to get power over my actions.. it kills me. I just don't want to make any mistakes.. fall into any traps.. or go on a never ending cycle of pain. How is this possible though? If life is full of lessons.. then why do i keep going through the same chapter in the assignments, getting the same results.. even though I feel like I've studied enough to understand... and know what situations to avoid.. yet with this situation.. I can't seem to grasp it. Is there something wrong with me? I am even human..? because I feel like everyone has a breaking point.. but for some reason, i feel like i dont have one.. or maybe I havent reached it yet? when should one have a breaking point?? do people really change? is a 2nd chances ever enough? how many times must one repeat the same mistakes before learning the actual lesson or getting it right????

In a Poets dream

A Poets Dream was the scheme when I jumped on the scene...I had a vision and it was he with me...♥
I searched high and low, to the deepest part of the bluest sea...and still God wouldn't let me find him...until it was meant to be.
I dream of him at night and even during the day...and with nothing but love and compassion in my heart...his name I can not wait to say.
But I yield to infatuation...because I know something pure and true will really take patience.
I've had my heart broken enough...but it didnt make me weak, it only made me tough. I love harder and stronger, even when the times get rough. Because when love is real, it can even heal. Heal the wounds from the past, from the promises broken and the lies that were told. I know a REAL man is waiting, to hold and console. Love me past my hurts and until I open up and love back with no control.
Without fear of pain, just being equally loved the same.
Because though right now, it may be a dream.. I know someone where out there.. he is waiting for me.

what about this love?

What about this love?? What about the nights shared together, the memories made and our hopes on forever...what about the plans and the moments holding hands? What about this love? Seems it was all in vain..because all I have now is pain. Thinking why i tried so hard.. and then you just disreguard all we ever had...and it hurts so bad... What ABOUT THIS LOVE?? You selfish, heartless beast.. who feast on the hearts of the weak! Knowing you were my weakness and you took away my love. You were the only love I had, the only Love I wanted. You knew it would break my heart, and you promised you wouldn't. Have you no soul?? have you not an ounce of care? why?! What did I do to you, for you to hurt me so bad?? I didnt deserve it. I acknowledged my wrong doings of the past before i met you.. I came clean about it.. and then you got together with Karma.. and gave me the deepest pain of them all. What about this love? Im stuck with memories I can't erase... get me out of this place...

Tolerance

No Im not "ma"

No Im not "baby"...sorry if Im actin like a bitch, and no Im not actin crazy. Its just that lately...almost on a daily, guys just been approachin me so wrong. And its been so long, since I've just been 100% happy, and its not that I keep myself down, its just that I keep running into the same guys who continue to mess around.

Always on game, comin up with lines that are all the same. Thinkin they can impress me with material things, being nothing close to genuwine. Where are the gentlemen? And what annoys me the most, is that I get the impression that they think Im stupid, or clueless, when they dont know that I already been through this.

Just got out of a rocky relationship, lacking time to heal from what I thought was companionship. Its hard to tell when people are "real"...so let me take the time to get to know you, before we chill. But thats not even the direction Im tryin to go in, you see... Im takin some time out to reflect on me.

My standards are higher... Im tryin to find truth in a man, because the last one I had was a liar. Mos Def can do fine on my own, and I can be by myself, but lets be real.. no one likes being alone.

But Im learning that I'd rather be alone and content, rather than be with a man who's treating my heart like shit. Im just bein legit as it gets!

2011 lesson

I knew things would happen before they did. I only have myself to blame for allowing myself to be open enough to get hurt again. But I can honestly say I have no regrets. This has been the most enriched experience of my life, through love. I gave this man a 2nd chance and he let me down again. I loved him unconditionally, and to this very moment I still love him. I wanted to make it work, even after this 2nd time around of him breaking my heart, but he still came out with the same line of "I just dont know what I want right now"...yet the 1st time he came to me asking for his 2nd chance, he made himself seem so sure...
I learned a lot though. The pain that he caused me, is a result of the pain I have caused others. Im a firm believer of Karma. I also believe in the power of dreams. the 1st time he cheated on me, I had a dream he was cheating on me and was going to break up with me, BEFORE it even happened... and then, this time around, I dreamt that he was going to break up with me, and days later he did.

Im trying to process it all and understand the reasons behind his actions, however it really boils down to one thing. He isn't a man yet. His mentality is still stuck on doing things as a boy would. He isn't good with communication, he doesnt know the value of love, and he doesnt prioritize. Im still really hurt about the entire situation, and its not easy getting past it because I still love him. I see so much potential in him. I just hope he can get himself together, and not put anyone else through what he's put me through.

I feel like I've learned so much about myself through this relationship. I know my standards are much higher now. I know what I deserve and I know what I have to offer. Its just sad that I loved someone unconditionally for the 1st time ever in my life, and got less in return. I can only look at myself and be reminded that its made me a wiser person. Its made me appreciate love in such a higher reguard and value myself more. I know Im a good person, and I did NOTHING BUT GOOD BY HIM... and for him to throw our relationship away, knowing it was good...shows me that he didn't really value me in the 1st place. Maybe it will take him feeling the magnitude of pain which I felt, for him to fully understand the damage he has done. I dont wish any ill upon him. I hope he has love in his future.. if its with me...who can tell? but if its with someone else, I hope he treats her right. No one should EVER EVER EVER feel the pain of a broken heart. Healing from a broken leg is one thing... but heart break can last for so long. I have no regrets though. I still love him to this day.. but I know now, that I cant settle for anything less than what I give. Because when I love, I love HARD...and I want to be loved that way in return. I deserve it.

constantly wondering

I guess this will be my 1st blog of 2011.
I honestly don't even know where to start. Im trying so hard to make sense of what Im going to say, and how Im going to word it. You ever want to spill your heart out to someone, but feel like no matter how much you spill, they'll never understand you? Well thats where Im at right now. At a point in my life, I was so certain, so sure, about a situation, and about this person.. and now I feel like Im learning how to crawl all over again. I guess its true what they say about women.. we do mature faster than men.

The more I think about this, the more I think about my life. where will I be.. what will I be doing... who will I be with in terms of friends, family being close by or far away, if I'll be single or engaged or married within the next 6 years. its hard to picture these things when you base your POSSIBLE answeres off of another persons answers.

TRUE Compatability is so hard to find....

Ive never been the type of person to rush things...I never wanted to be rushed... I've always found comfort in going at my own pace and not worrying if I fall behind of beat everyone else. but as I get older... I now feel like my pace is too fast for someone else, and that bothers me...because I don't want to speed up their process and I dont want to slow mine down.

Im still young, I still enjoy having my own fun, but being a woman, I can't ignore the fantasies of marriage, having a family... especially when us women have been trained to believe that those are the true joys in life. having a family of your own. And it also doesn't help when you have influences.. like your parents and grand parents, uncles and aunts.. setting the perfect example of what you COULD have...and also having the reminder thrown in our faces that our biological clocks are ticking..

well my situation is funny. I was engaged. to a really good man. He was spiritual, dedicated, devoted, selfless, loving, honest and willing to provide for what most women want. security, loyalty and a relationship built on good communication. With all those good qualities, I was still miserable. I was unable to be myself, and I felt like our relationship was a staged play, and my role was to be what his friends, family and even him---wanted me to be. I wasn't able to do the things, say the things, wear the things that were a part of who I am. I wasn't able to show my full personality. I felt like I was on pins and needles...
I finally found the courage within myself to step out of that situation... because I knew I was unhappy, and I knew I had found something/someone better.

Making the trasnition wasn't easy either, I was afraid of how I would be view'd by my friends, family, co workers and church people too. But I knew
I had to do it for my own sanity. My heart, mind and spirit were not at peace until I broke it off.

Soon after I got with my current boyfriend. He was a friend at 1st, and without warning or hint, it developed into something neither of us could have imagined... I have NEVER fallen in love so soon with anyone. I knew he was meant for me. Everything about him to me seemed so perfect. He's just how I dreamt my dream-man would be, and more. He made me feel so comfortable, at ease. He was easy to talk to, listen to, and just be around. I never felt annoyed or bothered by his presense.

We had been seeing each other for a total of 4 months until he broke up with me. It was the hardest break up of my life (so far)... and it hurt because I was so certain of him. then 2 months after he broke up with me, he came back asking for forgiveness, expressing his true reasons for breaking up with me. the truth was hard to handle, but I couldn't let it over power the love I had (have) for him. We're still working through it, Im trying to trust him again. Its not easy either...
nothing in life is. But I just remember a time when it was so easy for me to trust him, so easy for me to be myself around him. But now Im afraid to be myself.
Im afraid my love for him, which is so beyond strong, will only push him away, and make him more afraid of committment and make him feel overwhelmed.

Today he saw me glancing over at a wedding magazine...and in a joking voice he told me not to get any ideas. I asked him was he still afraid of marriage, and he replied yes. As I began to ask him a few more questions on the subject, I noticed how uncomfortable he was getting. So I stopped. It scares me to the core of my heart to know that I can see myself marrying him, but he is afraid of the idea of marriage itself. Where does that leave me? Should I turn those thoughts off? Should I treat my relationship as a temporary thing? or do I still think on his behalf when thinking about my future. I know we're young... but we're not SUPER young. Im 24... he's 23.. in grad school.. in just a few more years we will be REAL adults. Is it strange that I think this way? Im just afraid of putting all my eggs in one basket... and then getting let down.

I've already been let down...I dont think I could handle that again. Yet at the same time, the situation has made me stronger.. but I just want for once in my life... for a relationship to have meaning... and be solid.. and not have to worry or wonder. But here I am again... wondering... constantly...

and it doesnt help that I sense things... I can really feel when something is wrong with him, or if he's not telling me something... and I want to come right out and say something about it, but then I cant, because I'll feel like Im being pushy or overbaring.. and I dont want to do that. I feel like sometimes.. I love him too much, and that scares me...because it can either draw someone closer to you, or make them pull away from you....