i cant handle this

I need you to know, that my love for you is intense...and it hurts that you can't pick up on the hints, even though Im obvious, and to be honest...i dont know if i can hide this. When you took my heart, you took a part of me, that I know I can't get back, because just being friends with you right now, is really whack. How in the hell do you expect me to pretend like what we had didnt exist? you act as though it faded in the mist... I can't handle this.

How is should be

The person who wipes the tears, should never create them. the person who is trusted, should never lie. but still we try...fighting the endless fight, with only hope and stride our sight. WE refuse to give up, and we wonder how much more we can take...looking for an alternate way, a place to escape. A place where this is only love. No abuse, no pain, no lies.

The Ending

Cant seem to shake the demons even after I've died. I keep my emotions bottled in, yeah they're better left inside. Cause even though I have a spirit thats made of light, I reside in the dark. Buried in sadness, locking away my heart. Im at a point of "fuck love" because the shit never works. Even when you give your all you still end up gettin hurt. Tell me whats the worth and why put in the work, if constantly, said CONSTANTLY you're only getting hurt.



I had my time of laughter, I had my time of tears. I vowed to myself that I won't let it happen again. The shadows seem to follow and regret knocks at my door, reminding me of promises that were made but then ignored. I know that Karma's real and the bitch fucks like a whore. I have to remind myself that love will be no more. Said love is like a virus and it leaves the ugliest sore. If love comes round knockin I just wont answer the door.



I'll tell it go find someone else to screw, because the day i got fucked over I knew that I was through. People tell me time heals all wounds, but the one thing that i can't seem to loose is the memories that ensue. The sleepless nights and the tears I cry...I just cant subdue. People are blind and have not a clue. thinking its easy to move on and i can find someone new. but it doesn't work that way, and it hurts so much.. the nights mix in with days.. Everything becomes a haze. Having a big heart is deadly too, it just breaks in more pieces, feeling out casted... like an endangered species.

Untitled.

Sharp, as a knife..you cut through my sunlight and created the night. The pain spreads like cancer as I pray for an answer. I still cant fathom..its so hard to sleep at night because of my spasmes. Left alone to drown in the tears you've created, I cant even leave the my apartment without looking jaded. Faded..the promises you made. Out dated.. the times that we shared. I often wondered if he even cared. How can someone care in the fashion that you did? Its the truth that you deny and you continue to keep hid.
I try to block out the images in my mind of all the wonderful time that we spent together. And what makes it hard is this is just the beginning of the bad weather. You said you weren't going anywhere.. and yet you did. Lies upon lies...and what did I do to deserve this? I just want an answer. A reason. how can you abandon the one who would always be there? how could you look me in the face and tell me you love me?
I am numb. My heart beats faintly as I lay lifeless, wishing the pain would leave my body. I scream on the inside because my spirit is dying. If you wanted space.. thats all you had to say. If I crowded your space, why couldn't you just say it to my face? If we were moving too fast, why wouldn't you tell me so I could slow down? now all I do is mope around. hoping, praying that this is just a phase. Im torn..days and nights blend and become the deepest haze. Am I wrong for thinking you're my soul mate? Did I scare you away? So many unanswered questions...my mind won't rest. Im constantly thinking of you. wondering what I could have done to make you not want to leave me. This is not fair. I thought I made you happy. Why can't you just tell me the real reason??!! Neglected. Rejected. I knew this would be my demise, something to good to be true...it all was nothing but lies. False promises. False hopes. And the saddest part is I still love you.

oct. 26th

the feeling of having your soul and your heart ripped out at the same time is like dying and then being put straight in to hell, over and over again. I gave my heart to this man, feeling like i could trust him, trust him to not hurt me. trust him to love me and always be honest. but i guess it was karma. you see, I have broken hearts before. and i did it without thinking. i did it, without really considering how deep the wound would be to the victim. i always dreaded this day, the day i would fall so hard, so head over heels in love, and then get my heart broken. I knew it was too good to be true. we were friends 1st. i was engaged at the time, and he had stolen my heart. i left my ex-fiance, not to be with my lost love, but because i was just unhappy and no longer in love with my ex fiance. but i know to most, it looks like i left my ex-fiance to be with my lost love. we had been seeing each other since july, and became offical sept. 2nd. and tonight, Oct. 26th he broke up with me. i can honestly say it was the best relationship of my entire life. he was just perfect for me. we were always chilled, calm, happy. and now its all over. i cant believe it. i was willing to do what ever it took to keep us together. our bond, in my opinion, was so strong.. and it was because we were friends 1st. maybe not for long enough.. but i really just wanted to make him happy. i was so self-giving. i wanted to always be the reason he smiled. i guess i wasnt good enough. i will never understand why he left me. but my heart is broken beyond repair. i dont know if i'll ever love anyone the way i love him. even though he left me, if he came back to me, i would let him back in in a heart beat. i really feel like he completes me... but now that im with out him, i just feel numb. I've cried every tear in my body. i dont know what else to do. I begged him to stay... and he still left. i cant believe how low i feel. i've never felt this way before. i guess its Karma. I have had my heart broken before. but not to this degree.

A beautiful destruction

A beautiful destruction is all that it was. the most painful pleasure to endure...when my demise becomes the cure. something so tainted..something so pure...

You have an open invitation to the constant and ever-changing shades and shells of my soul. With the simple utter of a word, or touch of the finger tips, you alone have control.

Magestic powers and unknown forces of the universe brought us to this place, and of all the chances in this world, we cross paths...and only time can tell if this thing can last.

I try to block words from my mind, its the labels I despise. Titles and names, because in reality, they all seem to have an end.

It is the infinite and inevitable that stand the tests of time, and its strength to endure thee unimaginable, thats what makes it more manageable..

Or can it be manageable? If it was bound to be, there's nothing to be done by you or me. No one has power, no one really has control. We live in a chance filled world where anything is possible..

but the one thing that is impossible, the one thing we can never escape, is the avenues of our mind, the allies of our emotions and the cracks in our egos. WE are constantly at battle with self. Trying to defeat all signs of the human-feelings of saddness, anger, jealousy, even love. Any sign of weakness.

The natural drug, that no one can ever escape...the drug of love; Love for self, family and friends, love for another romantically...its in this you see, that no one is exempt.

Destroy me...you're good for me...you fit me like a glove... you bring me to my grave..yet you rise me up above... I drown in your words, I melt at your touch...its for those moments and emotions, that I love...Love...so much.

Life is a math problem

everything happens for a reason. i keep given myself that reason... but still for some reason... that quote just doesn't reason with me mentally,emotionally or spiritually. I mean, whats the reason for things happening for a reason? whats the reason for certain things NOT happening? & if there's a reason 4 everything, ...whats the reason 4 the present/past if it dont make sense??!!
I usually find myself in these moments where it feels like time is frozen, and i see a play-by-play of every single milli-second of my life and the people in it. Its like a math equation that i cant figure out. some things add up, some things don't. I find myself adding..subtracting..dividing and multiplying day to day situations, statments made my people around me, questions asked by people around me...its like Im on a mission to solve a great mystery..like why certain people are in my life and why others are no longer in my life. I try to find the value of "X" and "Y".. trying to figure out if the people in my life are going to be here for the long haul, or if they're temporary... i dont like not knowing... and I think that in itself is a curse..because we live in a world full of unknown.. we are more ignorant than what we want to be.. there is more unknown than known.. this is just my opinion though. Quantum physics has me confused. Life is a big math problem.. everyone has different formulas..but no one has the same answer.. and its because no one is living the same life..yet we're all stuck on this planet.. with ideas..hopes..dreams...premonitions..but what does it all lead to? whats the meaning? Why do we encounter situatios..people? how is it that certain people have the power to affect us in the most extreme ways? even the slightest actions and statements from certain people...have so much power over us.. im still doing the math.. but I don't think i'll ever understand. Did i mention that math is my worse subject?