This is really how I've been feeling recently...
Sunday, March 21, 2010
why????
How empty of me, to be so full of you. Leting you come into my life and change so much of me to make you happy, why am I not good enough for you? Why can't you accept me for who I am? Isn't that what love is? Aren't you supposed to be accepting of me? The good and the bad? As long as I don't disrespect or harm you, can't you accept my flaws? Or the things that you don't understand about me...arn't you? Can I feel comfortable around you? Why cant I feel that way God?! Why did you send me something so beautiful yet so complicated!?!? why can't things just be smooth in one aspect of my life?! Love is not perfect, this I know...but can't it be a LITTLE perfect? just a little??????
Let me vent...
I wish he would take me as I am. I wish he wouldn't over analiyze EVERYthing I do/say/post.
Why does he have to always pick at me for posting things? Things that arn't even serious, things that are not personal to me. He really makes me feel limited at times. Like I cant just say what comes on my brain, weather it be in a blog, a status, a note on facebook...I mean...what can I say? without being critized about it? Just because I post a poem, or some words I was inspired by, doesn't mean its directly from me. Why does he have to take everything I say or write so personaly? what is wrong with me expressing myself? I've been doing it all my life..and now that he's in the picture, he expects me to change that part of me that makes me..."Me"...
I have compromised enough of myself to please him, or make him comfortable. I don't even express my anger or saddness on the internet in a public way anymore. I don't vent as much any more. He wants me to bring it all to him...which is fine, but then when I bring it to him, he doesnt always know how to accept it. Why?!?! IT MAKES ME WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM...excuse my "french"...Im not even comfortable cussing around him...though its not a part of my every-day language, shouldn't I be able to say "damn" if I hurt myself, or break something...I can't even say "WTF"...the term used on the internet...not the actually 3 words...but gee....I just always have to watch what I say...
I always knew compromise was a part of all relationships. Sacrafice, and giving of self...but what about the times when you've given all you can, but some parts of yourself, you just want to hold on to and let it remain as it is...I can't change that Im expressive, and that i like to express on a public level. See me for the changes I've made. I dont even post like I use to. I have slowed it down, and calmed it down. Im not as "out there" and vocal as I use to be...but I dont want to silence my voice all the way...damn.
Why does he have to always pick at me for posting things? Things that arn't even serious, things that are not personal to me. He really makes me feel limited at times. Like I cant just say what comes on my brain, weather it be in a blog, a status, a note on facebook...I mean...what can I say? without being critized about it? Just because I post a poem, or some words I was inspired by, doesn't mean its directly from me. Why does he have to take everything I say or write so personaly? what is wrong with me expressing myself? I've been doing it all my life..and now that he's in the picture, he expects me to change that part of me that makes me..."Me"...
I have compromised enough of myself to please him, or make him comfortable. I don't even express my anger or saddness on the internet in a public way anymore. I don't vent as much any more. He wants me to bring it all to him...which is fine, but then when I bring it to him, he doesnt always know how to accept it. Why?!?! IT MAKES ME WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM...excuse my "french"...Im not even comfortable cussing around him...though its not a part of my every-day language, shouldn't I be able to say "damn" if I hurt myself, or break something...I can't even say "WTF"...the term used on the internet...not the actually 3 words...but gee....I just always have to watch what I say...
I always knew compromise was a part of all relationships. Sacrafice, and giving of self...but what about the times when you've given all you can, but some parts of yourself, you just want to hold on to and let it remain as it is...I can't change that Im expressive, and that i like to express on a public level. See me for the changes I've made. I dont even post like I use to. I have slowed it down, and calmed it down. Im not as "out there" and vocal as I use to be...but I dont want to silence my voice all the way...damn.
Friday, February 19, 2010
can you handle that?
And the pain is ever lasting, when ever I try to do something nice, and it doesnt work out.
and the pain stabs like a knife, when you're not here by my side, or when you can't call me at night, and the frustration grows, because I couldnt tell you---but only GOD knows...where you could be at and what you're doing. And its not that I don't trust you. I just don't trust the world around you; and its not just you...because we share this world..you see?
I don't get it. I use to feel impowered. I felt security in not giving out my heart, and allowing these curtains to fall. But the thing people lack to see most of all...is that giving you my heart, was the bravest thing I've ever done. I know I won't break my own heart, but I put enough faith, and trust in you, to hope & pray that you'll protect my heart the same way I did. And if you allow it---I can do the same for you. But see, the pain will too haunt you..and can you handle that?
and the pain stabs like a knife, when you're not here by my side, or when you can't call me at night, and the frustration grows, because I couldnt tell you---but only GOD knows...where you could be at and what you're doing. And its not that I don't trust you. I just don't trust the world around you; and its not just you...because we share this world..you see?
I don't get it. I use to feel impowered. I felt security in not giving out my heart, and allowing these curtains to fall. But the thing people lack to see most of all...is that giving you my heart, was the bravest thing I've ever done. I know I won't break my own heart, but I put enough faith, and trust in you, to hope & pray that you'll protect my heart the same way I did. And if you allow it---I can do the same for you. But see, the pain will too haunt you..and can you handle that?
untitled 2-19-10
Heart be still. Dont let him hear you breaking. Eyes don't cry, don't let him see you weaping. There is better than this, she keeps telling herself. There's more to life than this. thoughts come to haunt: of the time he promised he'd never do her wrong, never break her heart, but now thats all gone away. Promises are broken...time and time again...the only thing that's certain is what happenes in the end. legs tread fast, don't let him look you in the face, tread fast from this place. A hope for a pain free tomrrow is the dream she has tonight...as the never ending fight, for a love that is RIGHT...battles on.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
the crown of hair
The reason we pride ourselves on our hair, is because it is our crown and glory [vision wise] but when will we wise up and realize that the real crown is what we wear under our hair?? To answer that...I say this: We can not direct our eyes to something that we can not physically see. Our intellegnce, does not require weave, perms, twists or braids...no color, no cut and style...
You see? we can not see the real crown under our hair because we are too busy looking at the "outward" rather than the "inward"....
Im not going to sit here, and act like I don't try to style my hair and look cute every once in a while [weave, perm, flat irons & curles]...but if there is ONE thing I have learned over the last 6 months, its that NATURAL hair, allows me to have more money in my pocket [cause im not out buying the latest hair products, weaves & salon visits.] its also allowed my hair to ACTUALLY grow...and I feel more at peace with myself. I can let my fiance run his fingers through my hair, I can get my hair wet and not care. I can run and play without worrying about if I look "pretty"...
Some women don't realize...that they've become prisoners of their own hair. It regulates how they spend their summer days. If its humid, they'll stay in [or perm]...if its raining...they'll keep from the beauty of nature's shower. Its always something that the hair can not with-stand...when its NOT natural. I run FREE when i don't have to worry about my hair. If a man can see the beauty in my natural hair, then I know I am loved for WHO and WHAT I am...my hair is not silky like a white girl's hair...so why should go through the suffering of harsh chemicals to be something Im not? ONLY unless its something I CHOOSE to do...not because I feel like its the ONLY way I will be accepted.
You see? we can not see the real crown under our hair because we are too busy looking at the "outward" rather than the "inward"....
Im not going to sit here, and act like I don't try to style my hair and look cute every once in a while [weave, perm, flat irons & curles]...but if there is ONE thing I have learned over the last 6 months, its that NATURAL hair, allows me to have more money in my pocket [cause im not out buying the latest hair products, weaves & salon visits.] its also allowed my hair to ACTUALLY grow...and I feel more at peace with myself. I can let my fiance run his fingers through my hair, I can get my hair wet and not care. I can run and play without worrying about if I look "pretty"...
Some women don't realize...that they've become prisoners of their own hair. It regulates how they spend their summer days. If its humid, they'll stay in [or perm]...if its raining...they'll keep from the beauty of nature's shower. Its always something that the hair can not with-stand...when its NOT natural. I run FREE when i don't have to worry about my hair. If a man can see the beauty in my natural hair, then I know I am loved for WHO and WHAT I am...my hair is not silky like a white girl's hair...so why should go through the suffering of harsh chemicals to be something Im not? ONLY unless its something I CHOOSE to do...not because I feel like its the ONLY way I will be accepted.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
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