Untitled.

Sharp, as a knife..you cut through my sunlight and created the night. The pain spreads like cancer as I pray for an answer. I still cant fathom..its so hard to sleep at night because of my spasmes. Left alone to drown in the tears you've created, I cant even leave the my apartment without looking jaded. Faded..the promises you made. Out dated.. the times that we shared. I often wondered if he even cared. How can someone care in the fashion that you did? Its the truth that you deny and you continue to keep hid.
I try to block out the images in my mind of all the wonderful time that we spent together. And what makes it hard is this is just the beginning of the bad weather. You said you weren't going anywhere.. and yet you did. Lies upon lies...and what did I do to deserve this? I just want an answer. A reason. how can you abandon the one who would always be there? how could you look me in the face and tell me you love me?
I am numb. My heart beats faintly as I lay lifeless, wishing the pain would leave my body. I scream on the inside because my spirit is dying. If you wanted space.. thats all you had to say. If I crowded your space, why couldn't you just say it to my face? If we were moving too fast, why wouldn't you tell me so I could slow down? now all I do is mope around. hoping, praying that this is just a phase. Im torn..days and nights blend and become the deepest haze. Am I wrong for thinking you're my soul mate? Did I scare you away? So many unanswered questions...my mind won't rest. Im constantly thinking of you. wondering what I could have done to make you not want to leave me. This is not fair. I thought I made you happy. Why can't you just tell me the real reason??!! Neglected. Rejected. I knew this would be my demise, something to good to be true...it all was nothing but lies. False promises. False hopes. And the saddest part is I still love you.

oct. 26th

the feeling of having your soul and your heart ripped out at the same time is like dying and then being put straight in to hell, over and over again. I gave my heart to this man, feeling like i could trust him, trust him to not hurt me. trust him to love me and always be honest. but i guess it was karma. you see, I have broken hearts before. and i did it without thinking. i did it, without really considering how deep the wound would be to the victim. i always dreaded this day, the day i would fall so hard, so head over heels in love, and then get my heart broken. I knew it was too good to be true. we were friends 1st. i was engaged at the time, and he had stolen my heart. i left my ex-fiance, not to be with my lost love, but because i was just unhappy and no longer in love with my ex fiance. but i know to most, it looks like i left my ex-fiance to be with my lost love. we had been seeing each other since july, and became offical sept. 2nd. and tonight, Oct. 26th he broke up with me. i can honestly say it was the best relationship of my entire life. he was just perfect for me. we were always chilled, calm, happy. and now its all over. i cant believe it. i was willing to do what ever it took to keep us together. our bond, in my opinion, was so strong.. and it was because we were friends 1st. maybe not for long enough.. but i really just wanted to make him happy. i was so self-giving. i wanted to always be the reason he smiled. i guess i wasnt good enough. i will never understand why he left me. but my heart is broken beyond repair. i dont know if i'll ever love anyone the way i love him. even though he left me, if he came back to me, i would let him back in in a heart beat. i really feel like he completes me... but now that im with out him, i just feel numb. I've cried every tear in my body. i dont know what else to do. I begged him to stay... and he still left. i cant believe how low i feel. i've never felt this way before. i guess its Karma. I have had my heart broken before. but not to this degree.

A beautiful destruction

A beautiful destruction is all that it was. the most painful pleasure to endure...when my demise becomes the cure. something so tainted..something so pure...

You have an open invitation to the constant and ever-changing shades and shells of my soul. With the simple utter of a word, or touch of the finger tips, you alone have control.

Magestic powers and unknown forces of the universe brought us to this place, and of all the chances in this world, we cross paths...and only time can tell if this thing can last.

I try to block words from my mind, its the labels I despise. Titles and names, because in reality, they all seem to have an end.

It is the infinite and inevitable that stand the tests of time, and its strength to endure thee unimaginable, thats what makes it more manageable..

Or can it be manageable? If it was bound to be, there's nothing to be done by you or me. No one has power, no one really has control. We live in a chance filled world where anything is possible..

but the one thing that is impossible, the one thing we can never escape, is the avenues of our mind, the allies of our emotions and the cracks in our egos. WE are constantly at battle with self. Trying to defeat all signs of the human-feelings of saddness, anger, jealousy, even love. Any sign of weakness.

The natural drug, that no one can ever escape...the drug of love; Love for self, family and friends, love for another romantically...its in this you see, that no one is exempt.

Destroy me...you're good for me...you fit me like a glove... you bring me to my grave..yet you rise me up above... I drown in your words, I melt at your touch...its for those moments and emotions, that I love...Love...so much.

Life is a math problem

everything happens for a reason. i keep given myself that reason... but still for some reason... that quote just doesn't reason with me mentally,emotionally or spiritually. I mean, whats the reason for things happening for a reason? whats the reason for certain things NOT happening? & if there's a reason 4 everything, ...whats the reason 4 the present/past if it dont make sense??!!
I usually find myself in these moments where it feels like time is frozen, and i see a play-by-play of every single milli-second of my life and the people in it. Its like a math equation that i cant figure out. some things add up, some things don't. I find myself adding..subtracting..dividing and multiplying day to day situations, statments made my people around me, questions asked by people around me...its like Im on a mission to solve a great mystery..like why certain people are in my life and why others are no longer in my life. I try to find the value of "X" and "Y".. trying to figure out if the people in my life are going to be here for the long haul, or if they're temporary... i dont like not knowing... and I think that in itself is a curse..because we live in a world full of unknown.. we are more ignorant than what we want to be.. there is more unknown than known.. this is just my opinion though. Quantum physics has me confused. Life is a big math problem.. everyone has different formulas..but no one has the same answer.. and its because no one is living the same life..yet we're all stuck on this planet.. with ideas..hopes..dreams...premonitions..but what does it all lead to? whats the meaning? Why do we encounter situatios..people? how is it that certain people have the power to affect us in the most extreme ways? even the slightest actions and statements from certain people...have so much power over us.. im still doing the math.. but I don't think i'll ever understand. Did i mention that math is my worse subject?

due time

Hippie, flower child, free spirit, guided by the wind, attracted by the light. Something is not right, in the dead of night, she awakens to the darkness of her soul being attacked by the reality of society. Trying to concentrate on her dreams, and running away from the nightmare that haunts her. Twirl that glow stick, fight off the demons, say a prayer and chant and snap... something is happening.. to her true reality she must tap. The sounds of melodies from her mind chime in. Is it real? This abstract world or state of mind, and her soul mate she found, reads her mind all the time. In a quontum state of thinking, it feels like her brain is bleeding, searching for the meaning, searching for the answers. Are we really alive? Do you and i exsist? And if I seek an answer through my 3rd eye...does that open up my mind? and in the end all i can say..is in due time....

some spoken word.

To you/ this may frighten/ but trust ima bring it/ its time to enlighten/ you niggas so ignortant it makes me belligerent./ Its time to teach the children/ time to make um rise/ gotta get them out the dark into the sunlight./ They constantly fall to streets/ only to bleed/ never know the meanin of anything deep./ I try to educate um but they just don't learn/ they do not have the passion man/ they just don't yearn./ They steady wastin brain/ but they always given head/ niggas over sleepin man/ lets get um outta bed./ They sayin that they hungry but they won't go get the bread/ they claim they really livin but they evidently dead./ these fellas on jamaica man/ they mentality is dread./ you gotta taste fa weed/ yeah its obvious to see/ but daddy Im the soil and you gotta plant the seed./ Im tryna grow a garden man/ Im hopin for some trees/ wanna feel the summer breeze/ but niggas actin silly they wanna pack the heat./ So theres the end of fun, when a nigga bring a gun./ All positive is gone/ violence wins the battle but peace will win the war./ females aint all inoccent, some uh them are whores/ they lookin for awakening, but the signs they ignore.

Transitions

I've come to understand that people REALLY do change like the seasons. I'd never imagine that I would be here right now.. no longer engaged, and re-discovering who I am , and what I want in life. I guess I went into the engagement blindly. Thinking that love could conquer all, but really, some times love defeats its self. What do I mean by that? Well... not to sound egocentric or self centered.. but i love myself too much... too much to have continued changing who I was, to make someone else happy, all in the name of love. Plus, I loved him too much, to continue pretending like I was happy. It was killing my spirit. But I wanted to try and make it work, after all, there was so much invested in our relationship, and our families had bonded.. so I felt in a sense... obligated.. I was at a constant battle with myself.. and I didnt deserve and neither did he. He was nothing less than a good man. We just weren't meant to be together. He can't accept things about me that I value, and I couldn't bare risking resentment on his end or mine. I told him, that I had to sacrifice loosing him, in order to find myself, and what really makes me happy..and that if I were to later discover that he is/was what I needed/wanted this entire time, but then Im too late, that I'd be willing to accept that as my fate, and that it was meant to be that way. I believe God sets certain people in our lives for a reason. And there is no doubt in my mind that my ex-fiance was one of those people... he was a man of God and he taught me so much. I know after being with him, that the next guy in my life, will have a lot to live up to. Not really a competition..because no man is the same or close to the same as the next... but I know what my standards are now. My ex was perfect...just not perfect for me, and I can finally say that with ease & comfort in my heart. It saddens me that it ended the way it did, and at the time it did.. because we had plans for next month, and he had invested in buying me a new suv.. but I had to let him go. He didnt deserve a woman who was 1/2 hearted in the relationship. How could I be true to him, when I wasnt true to myself??? This by far, has been the biggest lesson I've learned in life. Don't be with someone just because you think it makes them happy (yet you're not happy).. be with someone because you feel it in your heart FULLY.. and never second guess why you're with someone. The moment you feel yourself second guessing... take a minute to reflect, and attack that thought. Make actions before its too late..and emotions and families are involved. I hate that I got his family & my family mixed up in this mess. I regret the pain I've caused, on so many levels. I pray that he finds the right woman that completes him. I really do. And if The Almighty see's fit, to make me reap what I have sown.. then I'll deal with it. Im constantly growing. I was NEVER perfect.. no one is. I know Im going through a major transition in life.. and for that, Im forever grateful. Life is full of lessons. Im taking this time to re-learn who I am, and what I want in a man/relationship, however, my main focus is on me. If love is in my future, it'll fine me, Im not looking for it anymore.
Namaste.