i cant handle this

I need you to know, that my love for you is intense...and it hurts that you can't pick up on the hints, even though Im obvious, and to be honest...i dont know if i can hide this. When you took my heart, you took a part of me, that I know I can't get back, because just being friends with you right now, is really whack. How in the hell do you expect me to pretend like what we had didnt exist? you act as though it faded in the mist... I can't handle this.

How is should be

The person who wipes the tears, should never create them. the person who is trusted, should never lie. but still we try...fighting the endless fight, with only hope and stride our sight. WE refuse to give up, and we wonder how much more we can take...looking for an alternate way, a place to escape. A place where this is only love. No abuse, no pain, no lies.

The Ending

Cant seem to shake the demons even after I've died. I keep my emotions bottled in, yeah they're better left inside. Cause even though I have a spirit thats made of light, I reside in the dark. Buried in sadness, locking away my heart. Im at a point of "fuck love" because the shit never works. Even when you give your all you still end up gettin hurt. Tell me whats the worth and why put in the work, if constantly, said CONSTANTLY you're only getting hurt.



I had my time of laughter, I had my time of tears. I vowed to myself that I won't let it happen again. The shadows seem to follow and regret knocks at my door, reminding me of promises that were made but then ignored. I know that Karma's real and the bitch fucks like a whore. I have to remind myself that love will be no more. Said love is like a virus and it leaves the ugliest sore. If love comes round knockin I just wont answer the door.



I'll tell it go find someone else to screw, because the day i got fucked over I knew that I was through. People tell me time heals all wounds, but the one thing that i can't seem to loose is the memories that ensue. The sleepless nights and the tears I cry...I just cant subdue. People are blind and have not a clue. thinking its easy to move on and i can find someone new. but it doesn't work that way, and it hurts so much.. the nights mix in with days.. Everything becomes a haze. Having a big heart is deadly too, it just breaks in more pieces, feeling out casted... like an endangered species.

Untitled.

Sharp, as a knife..you cut through my sunlight and created the night. The pain spreads like cancer as I pray for an answer. I still cant fathom..its so hard to sleep at night because of my spasmes. Left alone to drown in the tears you've created, I cant even leave the my apartment without looking jaded. Faded..the promises you made. Out dated.. the times that we shared. I often wondered if he even cared. How can someone care in the fashion that you did? Its the truth that you deny and you continue to keep hid.
I try to block out the images in my mind of all the wonderful time that we spent together. And what makes it hard is this is just the beginning of the bad weather. You said you weren't going anywhere.. and yet you did. Lies upon lies...and what did I do to deserve this? I just want an answer. A reason. how can you abandon the one who would always be there? how could you look me in the face and tell me you love me?
I am numb. My heart beats faintly as I lay lifeless, wishing the pain would leave my body. I scream on the inside because my spirit is dying. If you wanted space.. thats all you had to say. If I crowded your space, why couldn't you just say it to my face? If we were moving too fast, why wouldn't you tell me so I could slow down? now all I do is mope around. hoping, praying that this is just a phase. Im torn..days and nights blend and become the deepest haze. Am I wrong for thinking you're my soul mate? Did I scare you away? So many unanswered questions...my mind won't rest. Im constantly thinking of you. wondering what I could have done to make you not want to leave me. This is not fair. I thought I made you happy. Why can't you just tell me the real reason??!! Neglected. Rejected. I knew this would be my demise, something to good to be true...it all was nothing but lies. False promises. False hopes. And the saddest part is I still love you.

oct. 26th

the feeling of having your soul and your heart ripped out at the same time is like dying and then being put straight in to hell, over and over again. I gave my heart to this man, feeling like i could trust him, trust him to not hurt me. trust him to love me and always be honest. but i guess it was karma. you see, I have broken hearts before. and i did it without thinking. i did it, without really considering how deep the wound would be to the victim. i always dreaded this day, the day i would fall so hard, so head over heels in love, and then get my heart broken. I knew it was too good to be true. we were friends 1st. i was engaged at the time, and he had stolen my heart. i left my ex-fiance, not to be with my lost love, but because i was just unhappy and no longer in love with my ex fiance. but i know to most, it looks like i left my ex-fiance to be with my lost love. we had been seeing each other since july, and became offical sept. 2nd. and tonight, Oct. 26th he broke up with me. i can honestly say it was the best relationship of my entire life. he was just perfect for me. we were always chilled, calm, happy. and now its all over. i cant believe it. i was willing to do what ever it took to keep us together. our bond, in my opinion, was so strong.. and it was because we were friends 1st. maybe not for long enough.. but i really just wanted to make him happy. i was so self-giving. i wanted to always be the reason he smiled. i guess i wasnt good enough. i will never understand why he left me. but my heart is broken beyond repair. i dont know if i'll ever love anyone the way i love him. even though he left me, if he came back to me, i would let him back in in a heart beat. i really feel like he completes me... but now that im with out him, i just feel numb. I've cried every tear in my body. i dont know what else to do. I begged him to stay... and he still left. i cant believe how low i feel. i've never felt this way before. i guess its Karma. I have had my heart broken before. but not to this degree.

A beautiful destruction

A beautiful destruction is all that it was. the most painful pleasure to endure...when my demise becomes the cure. something so tainted..something so pure...

You have an open invitation to the constant and ever-changing shades and shells of my soul. With the simple utter of a word, or touch of the finger tips, you alone have control.

Magestic powers and unknown forces of the universe brought us to this place, and of all the chances in this world, we cross paths...and only time can tell if this thing can last.

I try to block words from my mind, its the labels I despise. Titles and names, because in reality, they all seem to have an end.

It is the infinite and inevitable that stand the tests of time, and its strength to endure thee unimaginable, thats what makes it more manageable..

Or can it be manageable? If it was bound to be, there's nothing to be done by you or me. No one has power, no one really has control. We live in a chance filled world where anything is possible..

but the one thing that is impossible, the one thing we can never escape, is the avenues of our mind, the allies of our emotions and the cracks in our egos. WE are constantly at battle with self. Trying to defeat all signs of the human-feelings of saddness, anger, jealousy, even love. Any sign of weakness.

The natural drug, that no one can ever escape...the drug of love; Love for self, family and friends, love for another romantically...its in this you see, that no one is exempt.

Destroy me...you're good for me...you fit me like a glove... you bring me to my grave..yet you rise me up above... I drown in your words, I melt at your touch...its for those moments and emotions, that I love...Love...so much.

Life is a math problem

everything happens for a reason. i keep given myself that reason... but still for some reason... that quote just doesn't reason with me mentally,emotionally or spiritually. I mean, whats the reason for things happening for a reason? whats the reason for certain things NOT happening? & if there's a reason 4 everything, ...whats the reason 4 the present/past if it dont make sense??!!
I usually find myself in these moments where it feels like time is frozen, and i see a play-by-play of every single milli-second of my life and the people in it. Its like a math equation that i cant figure out. some things add up, some things don't. I find myself adding..subtracting..dividing and multiplying day to day situations, statments made my people around me, questions asked by people around me...its like Im on a mission to solve a great mystery..like why certain people are in my life and why others are no longer in my life. I try to find the value of "X" and "Y".. trying to figure out if the people in my life are going to be here for the long haul, or if they're temporary... i dont like not knowing... and I think that in itself is a curse..because we live in a world full of unknown.. we are more ignorant than what we want to be.. there is more unknown than known.. this is just my opinion though. Quantum physics has me confused. Life is a big math problem.. everyone has different formulas..but no one has the same answer.. and its because no one is living the same life..yet we're all stuck on this planet.. with ideas..hopes..dreams...premonitions..but what does it all lead to? whats the meaning? Why do we encounter situatios..people? how is it that certain people have the power to affect us in the most extreme ways? even the slightest actions and statements from certain people...have so much power over us.. im still doing the math.. but I don't think i'll ever understand. Did i mention that math is my worse subject?

due time

Hippie, flower child, free spirit, guided by the wind, attracted by the light. Something is not right, in the dead of night, she awakens to the darkness of her soul being attacked by the reality of society. Trying to concentrate on her dreams, and running away from the nightmare that haunts her. Twirl that glow stick, fight off the demons, say a prayer and chant and snap... something is happening.. to her true reality she must tap. The sounds of melodies from her mind chime in. Is it real? This abstract world or state of mind, and her soul mate she found, reads her mind all the time. In a quontum state of thinking, it feels like her brain is bleeding, searching for the meaning, searching for the answers. Are we really alive? Do you and i exsist? And if I seek an answer through my 3rd eye...does that open up my mind? and in the end all i can say..is in due time....

some spoken word.

To you/ this may frighten/ but trust ima bring it/ its time to enlighten/ you niggas so ignortant it makes me belligerent./ Its time to teach the children/ time to make um rise/ gotta get them out the dark into the sunlight./ They constantly fall to streets/ only to bleed/ never know the meanin of anything deep./ I try to educate um but they just don't learn/ they do not have the passion man/ they just don't yearn./ They steady wastin brain/ but they always given head/ niggas over sleepin man/ lets get um outta bed./ They sayin that they hungry but they won't go get the bread/ they claim they really livin but they evidently dead./ these fellas on jamaica man/ they mentality is dread./ you gotta taste fa weed/ yeah its obvious to see/ but daddy Im the soil and you gotta plant the seed./ Im tryna grow a garden man/ Im hopin for some trees/ wanna feel the summer breeze/ but niggas actin silly they wanna pack the heat./ So theres the end of fun, when a nigga bring a gun./ All positive is gone/ violence wins the battle but peace will win the war./ females aint all inoccent, some uh them are whores/ they lookin for awakening, but the signs they ignore.

Transitions

I've come to understand that people REALLY do change like the seasons. I'd never imagine that I would be here right now.. no longer engaged, and re-discovering who I am , and what I want in life. I guess I went into the engagement blindly. Thinking that love could conquer all, but really, some times love defeats its self. What do I mean by that? Well... not to sound egocentric or self centered.. but i love myself too much... too much to have continued changing who I was, to make someone else happy, all in the name of love. Plus, I loved him too much, to continue pretending like I was happy. It was killing my spirit. But I wanted to try and make it work, after all, there was so much invested in our relationship, and our families had bonded.. so I felt in a sense... obligated.. I was at a constant battle with myself.. and I didnt deserve and neither did he. He was nothing less than a good man. We just weren't meant to be together. He can't accept things about me that I value, and I couldn't bare risking resentment on his end or mine. I told him, that I had to sacrifice loosing him, in order to find myself, and what really makes me happy..and that if I were to later discover that he is/was what I needed/wanted this entire time, but then Im too late, that I'd be willing to accept that as my fate, and that it was meant to be that way. I believe God sets certain people in our lives for a reason. And there is no doubt in my mind that my ex-fiance was one of those people... he was a man of God and he taught me so much. I know after being with him, that the next guy in my life, will have a lot to live up to. Not really a competition..because no man is the same or close to the same as the next... but I know what my standards are now. My ex was perfect...just not perfect for me, and I can finally say that with ease & comfort in my heart. It saddens me that it ended the way it did, and at the time it did.. because we had plans for next month, and he had invested in buying me a new suv.. but I had to let him go. He didnt deserve a woman who was 1/2 hearted in the relationship. How could I be true to him, when I wasnt true to myself??? This by far, has been the biggest lesson I've learned in life. Don't be with someone just because you think it makes them happy (yet you're not happy).. be with someone because you feel it in your heart FULLY.. and never second guess why you're with someone. The moment you feel yourself second guessing... take a minute to reflect, and attack that thought. Make actions before its too late..and emotions and families are involved. I hate that I got his family & my family mixed up in this mess. I regret the pain I've caused, on so many levels. I pray that he finds the right woman that completes him. I really do. And if The Almighty see's fit, to make me reap what I have sown.. then I'll deal with it. Im constantly growing. I was NEVER perfect.. no one is. I know Im going through a major transition in life.. and for that, Im forever grateful. Life is full of lessons. Im taking this time to re-learn who I am, and what I want in a man/relationship, however, my main focus is on me. If love is in my future, it'll fine me, Im not looking for it anymore.
Namaste.

Im waiting....

Im waiting for you. I've been here since long ago. Even when you left me with nothing to show. I was still here. And though I do not stand alone, I've got someone by my side...Im still here for you, Im still ride or die.
I wait, silently for you to take charge. You know what it takes to be a man. All you have to do now is take full command. Don't you understand? Im the damzel in distress, and if you can't take me at my worst...you dont deserve me at my best..and this situation that Im in...is just a test...to see if you're willing and able, to take what is so rightfully yours. You always claim its me you adore...but the feelings you're showing...makes me feel like Ive been ignored. I need you to know that Im waiting. I wish I could be up front and blunt...but honey, Im the prey...and you're on the hunt. Its always been that way...why should it change? My love for you has always been the same. Dont take this as a rejection to letting you in...because my heart is open baby...Im waiting...and when you're ready, you can be assured that Im ready to recieve you. Be mine again...because baby...Im waiting.

Secrets....

I have secrets...and I dread to take them to my grave...a place in me is so empty because I dont have you. the out-let to my life..I could share anything with you, and everything with you...without being judged..you accepted me with understanding, and open arms, when I felt afraid, it was you that would shield me from harm...
Im screaming and kicking like a baby...holding on as tight as I can to my past...while my present is pulling me to a future unknown. And surrounded by new people in my life...I still feel so alone. Your heart is my only home..no matter where I may rome...I want to shout your name to the world...and be clear so that they all may hear...but I fear rejection. But I fear suffering and pain, because the hurt you caused already left a stain...I have secrets...Im afraid to take them to my grave...these things keep bottled in only to consume my insides...what ever shall I do?

Death

My peaceful place of worry free, I know one day it soon shall be. When the worries of this world will no longer be in the mind of this weary dweary girl. I know I may sound "negative-nancy" but excuse me for not always keepin things so "happy".
So many times I try to see the silver line around the grayest cloud...but still my depression screams out loud. Why? Set backs and conflicts...which...make me feel the inner "witch" in me arise...
Words so harsh that I don't mean to say, go flying out of my mouth into another's face...in this crazy, unstable place...
A child of The Almighty & still I crave truth & direction...because its hard looking in the mirror and not knowing that reflection...staring back at me. Wondering how she became...
Strange to know one day death will take over that reflection...I will one day no longer be...no more cares, no more worries. No more confussion, no more work. No more pain or anything..until judgement. Death.

how u spell love?

how do you spell love? when you reach a point where the happiness, security, and development of another person is as much a driving force to you as your own happiness, security, and development, then you have mature love. true love is spelled G-I-V-E. it's not based on what you get but rooted in what you can give to the other person. But then what's left to give when you've given all you can?

givin up. great song & how I've been feeling

This is really how I've been feeling recently...

why????

How empty of me, to be so full of you. Leting you come into my life and change so much of me to make you happy, why am I not good enough for you? Why can't you accept me for who I am? Isn't that what love is? Aren't you supposed to be accepting of me? The good and the bad? As long as I don't disrespect or harm you, can't you accept my flaws? Or the things that you don't understand about me...arn't you? Can I feel comfortable around you? Why cant I feel that way God?! Why did you send me something so beautiful yet so complicated!?!? why can't things just be smooth in one aspect of my life?! Love is not perfect, this I know...but can't it be a LITTLE perfect? just a little??????

Let me vent...

I wish he would take me as I am. I wish he wouldn't over analiyze EVERYthing I do/say/post.
Why does he have to always pick at me for posting things? Things that arn't even serious, things that are not personal to me. He really makes me feel limited at times. Like I cant just say what comes on my brain, weather it be in a blog, a status, a note on facebook...I mean...what can I say? without being critized about it? Just because I post a poem, or some words I was inspired by, doesn't mean its directly from me. Why does he have to take everything I say or write so personaly? what is wrong with me expressing myself? I've been doing it all my life..and now that he's in the picture, he expects me to change that part of me that makes me..."Me"...
I have compromised enough of myself to please him, or make him comfortable. I don't even express my anger or saddness on the internet in a public way anymore. I don't vent as much any more. He wants me to bring it all to him...which is fine, but then when I bring it to him, he doesnt always know how to accept it. Why?!?! IT MAKES ME WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM...excuse my "french"...Im not even comfortable cussing around him...though its not a part of my every-day language, shouldn't I be able to say "damn" if I hurt myself, or break something...I can't even say "WTF"...the term used on the internet...not the actually 3 words...but gee....I just always have to watch what I say...
I always knew compromise was a part of all relationships. Sacrafice, and giving of self...but what about the times when you've given all you can, but some parts of yourself, you just want to hold on to and let it remain as it is...I can't change that Im expressive, and that i like to express on a public level. See me for the changes I've made. I dont even post like I use to. I have slowed it down, and calmed it down. Im not as "out there" and vocal as I use to be...but I dont want to silence my voice all the way...damn.

can you handle that?

And the pain is ever lasting, when ever I try to do something nice, and it doesnt work out.
and the pain stabs like a knife, when you're not here by my side, or when you can't call me at night, and the frustration grows, because I couldnt tell you---but only GOD knows...where you could be at and what you're doing. And its not that I don't trust you. I just don't trust the world around you; and its not just you...because we share this world..you see?

I don't get it. I use to feel impowered. I felt security in not giving out my heart, and allowing these curtains to fall. But the thing people lack to see most of all...is that giving you my heart, was the bravest thing I've ever done. I know I won't break my own heart, but I put enough faith, and trust in you, to hope & pray that you'll protect my heart the same way I did. And if you allow it---I can do the same for you. But see, the pain will too haunt you..and can you handle that?

untitled 2-19-10

Heart be still. Dont let him hear you breaking. Eyes don't cry, don't let him see you weaping. There is better than this, she keeps telling herself. There's more to life than this. thoughts come to haunt: of the time he promised he'd never do her wrong, never break her heart, but now thats all gone away. Promises are broken...time and time again...the only thing that's certain is what happenes in the end. legs tread fast, don't let him look you in the face, tread fast from this place. A hope for a pain free tomrrow is the dream she has tonight...as the never ending fight, for a love that is RIGHT...battles on.

the crown of hair

The reason we pride ourselves on our hair, is because it is our crown and glory [vision wise] but when will we wise up and realize that the real crown is what we wear under our hair?? To answer that...I say this: We can not direct our eyes to something that we can not physically see. Our intellegnce, does not require weave, perms, twists or braids...no color, no cut and style...
You see? we can not see the real crown under our hair because we are too busy looking at the "outward" rather than the "inward"....
Im not going to sit here, and act like I don't try to style my hair and look cute every once in a while [weave, perm, flat irons & curles]...but if there is ONE thing I have learned over the last 6 months, its that NATURAL hair, allows me to have more money in my pocket [cause im not out buying the latest hair products, weaves & salon visits.] its also allowed my hair to ACTUALLY grow...and I feel more at peace with myself. I can let my fiance run his fingers through my hair, I can get my hair wet and not care. I can run and play without worrying about if I look "pretty"...

Some women don't realize...that they've become prisoners of their own hair. It regulates how they spend their summer days. If its humid, they'll stay in [or perm]...if its raining...they'll keep from the beauty of nature's shower. Its always something that the hair can not with-stand...when its NOT natural. I run FREE when i don't have to worry about my hair. If a man can see the beauty in my natural hair, then I know I am loved for WHO and WHAT I am...my hair is not silky like a white girl's hair...so why should go through the suffering of harsh chemicals to be something Im not? ONLY unless its something I CHOOSE to do...not because I feel like its the ONLY way I will be accepted.

that shit is over son

Yeah.. I said it