constantly wondering

I guess this will be my 1st blog of 2011.
I honestly don't even know where to start. Im trying so hard to make sense of what Im going to say, and how Im going to word it. You ever want to spill your heart out to someone, but feel like no matter how much you spill, they'll never understand you? Well thats where Im at right now. At a point in my life, I was so certain, so sure, about a situation, and about this person.. and now I feel like Im learning how to crawl all over again. I guess its true what they say about women.. we do mature faster than men.

The more I think about this, the more I think about my life. where will I be.. what will I be doing... who will I be with in terms of friends, family being close by or far away, if I'll be single or engaged or married within the next 6 years. its hard to picture these things when you base your POSSIBLE answeres off of another persons answers.

TRUE Compatability is so hard to find....

Ive never been the type of person to rush things...I never wanted to be rushed... I've always found comfort in going at my own pace and not worrying if I fall behind of beat everyone else. but as I get older... I now feel like my pace is too fast for someone else, and that bothers me...because I don't want to speed up their process and I dont want to slow mine down.

Im still young, I still enjoy having my own fun, but being a woman, I can't ignore the fantasies of marriage, having a family... especially when us women have been trained to believe that those are the true joys in life. having a family of your own. And it also doesn't help when you have influences.. like your parents and grand parents, uncles and aunts.. setting the perfect example of what you COULD have...and also having the reminder thrown in our faces that our biological clocks are ticking..

well my situation is funny. I was engaged. to a really good man. He was spiritual, dedicated, devoted, selfless, loving, honest and willing to provide for what most women want. security, loyalty and a relationship built on good communication. With all those good qualities, I was still miserable. I was unable to be myself, and I felt like our relationship was a staged play, and my role was to be what his friends, family and even him---wanted me to be. I wasn't able to do the things, say the things, wear the things that were a part of who I am. I wasn't able to show my full personality. I felt like I was on pins and needles...
I finally found the courage within myself to step out of that situation... because I knew I was unhappy, and I knew I had found something/someone better.

Making the trasnition wasn't easy either, I was afraid of how I would be view'd by my friends, family, co workers and church people too. But I knew
I had to do it for my own sanity. My heart, mind and spirit were not at peace until I broke it off.

Soon after I got with my current boyfriend. He was a friend at 1st, and without warning or hint, it developed into something neither of us could have imagined... I have NEVER fallen in love so soon with anyone. I knew he was meant for me. Everything about him to me seemed so perfect. He's just how I dreamt my dream-man would be, and more. He made me feel so comfortable, at ease. He was easy to talk to, listen to, and just be around. I never felt annoyed or bothered by his presense.

We had been seeing each other for a total of 4 months until he broke up with me. It was the hardest break up of my life (so far)... and it hurt because I was so certain of him. then 2 months after he broke up with me, he came back asking for forgiveness, expressing his true reasons for breaking up with me. the truth was hard to handle, but I couldn't let it over power the love I had (have) for him. We're still working through it, Im trying to trust him again. Its not easy either...
nothing in life is. But I just remember a time when it was so easy for me to trust him, so easy for me to be myself around him. But now Im afraid to be myself.
Im afraid my love for him, which is so beyond strong, will only push him away, and make him more afraid of committment and make him feel overwhelmed.

Today he saw me glancing over at a wedding magazine...and in a joking voice he told me not to get any ideas. I asked him was he still afraid of marriage, and he replied yes. As I began to ask him a few more questions on the subject, I noticed how uncomfortable he was getting. So I stopped. It scares me to the core of my heart to know that I can see myself marrying him, but he is afraid of the idea of marriage itself. Where does that leave me? Should I turn those thoughts off? Should I treat my relationship as a temporary thing? or do I still think on his behalf when thinking about my future. I know we're young... but we're not SUPER young. Im 24... he's 23.. in grad school.. in just a few more years we will be REAL adults. Is it strange that I think this way? Im just afraid of putting all my eggs in one basket... and then getting let down.

I've already been let down...I dont think I could handle that again. Yet at the same time, the situation has made me stronger.. but I just want for once in my life... for a relationship to have meaning... and be solid.. and not have to worry or wonder. But here I am again... wondering... constantly...

and it doesnt help that I sense things... I can really feel when something is wrong with him, or if he's not telling me something... and I want to come right out and say something about it, but then I cant, because I'll feel like Im being pushy or overbaring.. and I dont want to do that. I feel like sometimes.. I love him too much, and that scares me...because it can either draw someone closer to you, or make them pull away from you....