Problems

Sucked into a hell that i can only escape through death. yet I refuse to bury myself. I won't take my life, thats the easy way out. Things get more and more interesting. I lost my job on the 25th of this month..and things are becoming more and more stressful. Wondering how Im going to pay my rent and bills. Im grown, so i can't depend on my parents to bail me out of this one. I don't even want my father knowning, because it'll only hurt him, and cause him to worry, and I don't want him to worry about me. Medical stuff with my leg is starting to resurface.. its like I cant get a break....

Deepest thoughts & questions of my current life.

Its moments like this where my mind tends to wonder. I never know where my mind will take me, when moments like this occure. Maybe its because i feel a heighten'd sense of awarenss... either way... Tonight my mind is stuck in a universe that I can't fully describe. The reasons for everything in life that occure.. just day-to-day things. some being fate.. and some being the opposite...Its been a long time since I wrote a blog like this, and Im honestly nervous about what I'll type next.

All I can say is.. there is the purpose.. I feel... in which I am ment for, or was born to fullfill.. and I firmly believe in ALL things happening for a reason.. and the one thing I can't seem to grasp.. is the reason for the most recent events in my life... which I am too embarrassed or ashamed to even publicly share on this blog. But expressing how i feel on blog..makes me feel a sense of comfort... or ease.. because no one really knows what Im talking about, but me... yet to still get a glimps of whats on my mind, YET you CAN NOT judge me because you don't know all the facts

... You see.. I have this problem.. Im too nice.. its in my nature to be nice, even when someone doesn't deserve it.. its like something that can not be tamed.. I've tried to meditate on it, pray on it, and be as short as I can be on the issue.. but something in the core of me won't let me be pure mean to to others & am convinced that its my soul.. my spirit that only allows me to be nice. It irritates me because I feel like Im at constant war with myself. As though my mind & my heart are at war. Fighting to get power over my actions.. it kills me. I just don't want to make any mistakes.. fall into any traps.. or go on a never ending cycle of pain. How is this possible though? If life is full of lessons.. then why do i keep going through the same chapter in the assignments, getting the same results.. even though I feel like I've studied enough to understand... and know what situations to avoid.. yet with this situation.. I can't seem to grasp it. Is there something wrong with me? I am even human..? because I feel like everyone has a breaking point.. but for some reason, i feel like i dont have one.. or maybe I havent reached it yet? when should one have a breaking point?? do people really change? is a 2nd chances ever enough? how many times must one repeat the same mistakes before learning the actual lesson or getting it right????

In a Poets dream

A Poets Dream was the scheme when I jumped on the scene...I had a vision and it was he with me...♥
I searched high and low, to the deepest part of the bluest sea...and still God wouldn't let me find him...until it was meant to be.
I dream of him at night and even during the day...and with nothing but love and compassion in my heart...his name I can not wait to say.
But I yield to infatuation...because I know something pure and true will really take patience.
I've had my heart broken enough...but it didnt make me weak, it only made me tough. I love harder and stronger, even when the times get rough. Because when love is real, it can even heal. Heal the wounds from the past, from the promises broken and the lies that were told. I know a REAL man is waiting, to hold and console. Love me past my hurts and until I open up and love back with no control.
Without fear of pain, just being equally loved the same.
Because though right now, it may be a dream.. I know someone where out there.. he is waiting for me.

what about this love?

What about this love?? What about the nights shared together, the memories made and our hopes on forever...what about the plans and the moments holding hands? What about this love? Seems it was all in vain..because all I have now is pain. Thinking why i tried so hard.. and then you just disreguard all we ever had...and it hurts so bad... What ABOUT THIS LOVE?? You selfish, heartless beast.. who feast on the hearts of the weak! Knowing you were my weakness and you took away my love. You were the only love I had, the only Love I wanted. You knew it would break my heart, and you promised you wouldn't. Have you no soul?? have you not an ounce of care? why?! What did I do to you, for you to hurt me so bad?? I didnt deserve it. I acknowledged my wrong doings of the past before i met you.. I came clean about it.. and then you got together with Karma.. and gave me the deepest pain of them all. What about this love? Im stuck with memories I can't erase... get me out of this place...