No Im not "ma"
No Im not "baby"...sorry if Im actin like a bitch, and no Im not actin crazy. Its just that lately...almost on a daily, guys just been approachin me so wrong. And its been so long, since I've just been 100% happy, and its not that I keep myself down, its just that I keep running into the same guys who continue to mess around.
Always on game, comin up with lines that are all the same. Thinkin they can impress me with material things, being nothing close to genuwine. Where are the gentlemen? And what annoys me the most, is that I get the impression that they think Im stupid, or clueless, when they dont know that I already been through this.
Just got out of a rocky relationship, lacking time to heal from what I thought was companionship. Its hard to tell when people are "real"...so let me take the time to get to know you, before we chill. But thats not even the direction Im tryin to go in, you see... Im takin some time out to reflect on me.
My standards are higher... Im tryin to find truth in a man, because the last one I had was a liar. Mos Def can do fine on my own, and I can be by myself, but lets be real.. no one likes being alone.
But Im learning that I'd rather be alone and content, rather than be with a man who's treating my heart like shit. Im just bein legit as it gets!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
2011 lesson
I knew things would happen before they did. I only have myself to blame for allowing myself to be open enough to get hurt again. But I can honestly say I have no regrets. This has been the most enriched experience of my life, through love. I gave this man a 2nd chance and he let me down again. I loved him unconditionally, and to this very moment I still love him. I wanted to make it work, even after this 2nd time around of him breaking my heart, but he still came out with the same line of "I just dont know what I want right now"...yet the 1st time he came to me asking for his 2nd chance, he made himself seem so sure...
I learned a lot though. The pain that he caused me, is a result of the pain I have caused others. Im a firm believer of Karma. I also believe in the power of dreams. the 1st time he cheated on me, I had a dream he was cheating on me and was going to break up with me, BEFORE it even happened... and then, this time around, I dreamt that he was going to break up with me, and days later he did.
Im trying to process it all and understand the reasons behind his actions, however it really boils down to one thing. He isn't a man yet. His mentality is still stuck on doing things as a boy would. He isn't good with communication, he doesnt know the value of love, and he doesnt prioritize. Im still really hurt about the entire situation, and its not easy getting past it because I still love him. I see so much potential in him. I just hope he can get himself together, and not put anyone else through what he's put me through.
I feel like I've learned so much about myself through this relationship. I know my standards are much higher now. I know what I deserve and I know what I have to offer. Its just sad that I loved someone unconditionally for the 1st time ever in my life, and got less in return. I can only look at myself and be reminded that its made me a wiser person. Its made me appreciate love in such a higher reguard and value myself more. I know Im a good person, and I did NOTHING BUT GOOD BY HIM... and for him to throw our relationship away, knowing it was good...shows me that he didn't really value me in the 1st place. Maybe it will take him feeling the magnitude of pain which I felt, for him to fully understand the damage he has done. I dont wish any ill upon him. I hope he has love in his future.. if its with me...who can tell? but if its with someone else, I hope he treats her right. No one should EVER EVER EVER feel the pain of a broken heart. Healing from a broken leg is one thing... but heart break can last for so long. I have no regrets though. I still love him to this day.. but I know now, that I cant settle for anything less than what I give. Because when I love, I love HARD...and I want to be loved that way in return. I deserve it.
I learned a lot though. The pain that he caused me, is a result of the pain I have caused others. Im a firm believer of Karma. I also believe in the power of dreams. the 1st time he cheated on me, I had a dream he was cheating on me and was going to break up with me, BEFORE it even happened... and then, this time around, I dreamt that he was going to break up with me, and days later he did.
Im trying to process it all and understand the reasons behind his actions, however it really boils down to one thing. He isn't a man yet. His mentality is still stuck on doing things as a boy would. He isn't good with communication, he doesnt know the value of love, and he doesnt prioritize. Im still really hurt about the entire situation, and its not easy getting past it because I still love him. I see so much potential in him. I just hope he can get himself together, and not put anyone else through what he's put me through.
I feel like I've learned so much about myself through this relationship. I know my standards are much higher now. I know what I deserve and I know what I have to offer. Its just sad that I loved someone unconditionally for the 1st time ever in my life, and got less in return. I can only look at myself and be reminded that its made me a wiser person. Its made me appreciate love in such a higher reguard and value myself more. I know Im a good person, and I did NOTHING BUT GOOD BY HIM... and for him to throw our relationship away, knowing it was good...shows me that he didn't really value me in the 1st place. Maybe it will take him feeling the magnitude of pain which I felt, for him to fully understand the damage he has done. I dont wish any ill upon him. I hope he has love in his future.. if its with me...who can tell? but if its with someone else, I hope he treats her right. No one should EVER EVER EVER feel the pain of a broken heart. Healing from a broken leg is one thing... but heart break can last for so long. I have no regrets though. I still love him to this day.. but I know now, that I cant settle for anything less than what I give. Because when I love, I love HARD...and I want to be loved that way in return. I deserve it.
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